FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The Church of Lord Business and the Latter-Day Bricks
Newsroom Statement Regarding the Current Disturbance Among the Saints of the Sacred Brick
Springville, Zion Territory
The First Presidency of Plastic would like to address the growing concern surrounding reports of a disputed Star Wars brick collection, valued somewhere between “quite a lot” and “enough to make otherwise rational adults forget how toys work.”
While the legal matters remain contested and various parties continue to present differing accounts of events, the Church feels prompted to speak to a deeper issue.
For generations the Sacred Brick was given unto humanity for a simple purpose: to build spaceships, castles, race cars, questionable architecture, and occasionally a dog that looked more like a toaster.
Somewhere along the path, however, many among the faithful ceased asking:
“What can I build?”
and instead began asking:
“What is it worth?”
The Church teaches that this is the first sign of Brick Apostasy.
A child sees a Millennium Falcon and imagines adventure.
A collector sees a Millennium Falcon and imagines insurance documentation.
A speculator sees a Millennium Falcon and imagines retirement planning.
Thus the mission of play is gradually replaced by the pursuit of monetary exaltation.
Recent events have demonstrated the dangers of this philosophy. Entire congregations now gather online not to celebrate creativity but to debate spreadsheets, inventory lists, franchise agreements, consignment records, ownership transfers, lawsuits, police reports, YouTube investigations, and the sacred doctrine of market valuation. (KSL News)
In the eyes of the Church, the tragedy is not merely whether bricks were misplaced, withheld, sold, transferred, or otherwise entangled in earthly disputes.
The tragedy is that thousands of adults can identify the market value of a rare minifigure faster than they can remember the joy of sitting on the living room floor building a spaceship with their children.
The Prophet of Plastic reminds us:
“The value of a brick is not measured by what someone will pay for it tomorrow. The value of a brick is measured by what someone builds with it today.”
As the online discourse continues, members are encouraged to avoid contention, speculation, and the temptation to worship at the Altar of Secondary Market Pricing.
Instead, the Church invites all Saints to participate in a Worldwide Day of Rebuilding.
Members are encouraged to:
• Build something ridiculous.
• Step on at least one brick as an act of humility.
• Allow children to modify collector sets without seeking legal counsel.
• Remember that toys are possessions, but imagination is the true treasure.
We further remind the faithful that every sealed box eventually faces one of two destinies:
It will either be opened and loved.
Or it will spend eternity in a climate-controlled closet awaiting resurrection on eBay.
The Church has no official position on which outcome is more tragic.
END OF STATEMENT